nothing interesting happened during the first half of my day, so i won't be writing about it, other than to say that i had a nice, pleasant day at work with derick and philip.
so. i went to maartens tonight, because i was lonely, and i didn't want to go to sarah's party--not that i didn't want to see her, but that i didn't want to slip at her house. i felt all day like i was going to slip, and instead of going to a meeting, i went to a bar, in some stupid 'let me prove how strong i am' thing. i talked to rob for a while, and had a coke, and cochese came in, and everything was great, and then the smell got me. i had to leave.
i went to sarah's, with the stupid back-burner goal of trying to kiss her, again, this week, without indication that she wanted me to. when i was walking to her house, i was convinced that this is the reason i was going there. you see, cochese said something to me once: these things happen, because these things must occur. i sometimes feel like i am in the places i am in for a purpose. we are all here to do what we're all here to do. i mean, i got arrested a few years ago to teach me how not to live, and it took me years to learn it. this is another part of the bad with the good grateful alcoholic thing. i have proof of this in my life--i mean, i feel God's love in my life for the first time ever, and all it took (note the sarcasm) was a slow descent into alcohol and waking up wanting to kill myself. please forget i just typed that last clause, and never mention it again, but i had to write it, because it's the truth. i don't feel that way anymore, and i am never going to, because I NEVER WANT TO DRINK AGAIN.
it turns out i didn't go to sarah's to kiss her. i went there to meet some people that i've met before (including at the st. maartens xmas party--weird), to find someone who needed to a ride to the airport at 445am, and to unequivocally demand that i drive him. i was there to explain to someone who knows that alcohol has an unhealthy role in his life the gratitude i have for the program. i was there to drive home two kids who shouldn't be out walking in the middle of the night.
this doesn't change the fact that i wish i had kissed sarah tonight, in the kitchen , or on the stairs, even if people were watching. i am writing like i am pretending that she doesn't read this, but i have this devotion to brutal honesty in all aspects of my life right now. anyway, daniel and gordon, last week, talked to me about how now that i have loosened the grip that alcohol had on me, i should accept God's plan for me, and let Him take the wheel. it's not easy, i know, and sometimes, i still don't honestly think that it's the right idea, but tonight, God put me where i needed to be. i didn't relapse tonight. i had my hands in my pockets all night, one hand on my one-day chip, and another on my 30 day chip. i know that i get brave after i have a few beers, but i think that tonight i was braver for not having one.
just the other night, i told sarah about the last conversation i had with Grandfather, when he asked me how my nightlife was, and how i smiled, and how i still smile now, because i remember this about him, and not the smell of his hospital room, or the tiny shadow of his former voice. i am grieving for what my new friend daniel is going through, but i am so grateful that i am doing something to help him hopefully have a moment like that, something he can carry with him. not a day goes by that i don't think about Grandfather, and the time he took me to friendly's after i failed my road test, or the time that he had me come over and help him fix his automatic garage door opener, or the time that i rode home from church with him, and he told me that he doesn't pay attention to pedestrians, because they'll get out of his way. he loved, and was loved.. the channel that leads to these memories, though, is that last one, and i am never going to be afraid of hospital rooms again, because they are worth it.
in conclusion, i went to kroger, bought a bag of mini krullers, and i am going to watch a movie and kill time for a few hours, and then get in a car with someone i don't know, and take him to where he needs to be. perhaps--and i can't believe that i am using that word voluntarily, now--tonight would have been better if i had just kissed her, but there was something perfect about tonight, as it was.
my name is michael, and i am an ever-increasingly grateful alcoholic.